I’ve discovered some of my posts seem to automatically generate a comment section at the bottom. Easy enough. Regardless, see below just in case.
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How bad can this go, really?
A Blog post by someone who has never written one before…
Well, Fuck.
— The Jedi Padawan children in Revenge of the Sith, probably
The idea to start a blog had been in my head a while now, circling my brain not dissimilar to Jaws. Hopefully this doesn’t blow up in my face.
I’m not really sure who’ll read this, if anyone. I think it’s more for me to have something tangible to vent/ externalise/ quantify things somewhere other than inside my head.
The blog will be primarily used for:
-ramblings/ ruminations on depression and living with it.
-posting pictures I paint, which I normally do as a way to externalise negative feelings in order to better process them.
-sharing anecdotes about my job. I work as a prison officer, but am not willing to disclose where or for how long. Names etc will be changed, and I won’t be telling you mine.
So really I guess it’s a blog about my life, without actually telling you who I am.
Definitely doesn’t sound mad at all.
Christmas Approaches
I’ve been away a while. Lockdown and work have worn me down. There’ll be an in depth post about lockdown in a prison, and the stress involved, later on.
Christmas approaches, and I decided this year to make cards for people out of card pieces. My friends quite like Pokemon, so the first two are their favourite Pokemon.
Both were INCREDIBLY fiddly to make, but I really like the results.
Will make more of these, theyre a lot of fun.
Warm Weather
Returning after a long hiatus. I’ve found the Covid lockdown difficult much of the time, as I often struggled with isolation and loneliness even before it was government-mandated. It’s probably why the figures in my paintings are so far away and unreachable. I’ve recently managed to get some supplies together, and I appear to have returned to the woods.
It’s similar in style to the other first pictures I do, I think I like this slightly abstract feel to it. Lots of warm tones because it’s HOT right now and I’m melting every day.
I plan soon to start an Etsy or a Fiverr page to take regular requests and stuff.
Isolating
Isolation is a way to know ourselves.
Franz Kafka
I’m currently self isolating due to presenting with symptoms of COVID-19. Which means I have to not go to work for another week. Which means staying inside and avoiding all physical contact with other humans. So no change for me really. I suppose the only real difference is I now don’t have the option to go out if I wanted to.
I have enough food, enough toiletries to last me for a while. I worry constantly about how many other people I may have given Coronavirus to before I started manifesting symptoms. I tried to get out of my head by painting again today, and I realise increasingly that I keep painting and drawing pictures of couples from very far away. I must be lonely.
I think I’m struggling a little again with myself. I find myself most days just sort of feeling very dejected about everything, wishing I didn’t have to do anything, but also wishing I had something to distract me. Depression is weirdly paralytic in that you find yourself unable to do much, but then internally screaming about how you feel trapped by it.
I don’t know how to make a comments box on these blog things, or even if I can, so I might set up an email inbox just in case of questions anybody who reads this might have. Probably in the next post.
Returning
One of the hardest things was learning that I was worth recovering,
Demi Lovato
I’ve spent a fair amount of time inactive and I apologise. I had a severe depressive episode shortly before Christmas and was signed off work for what ended up being 2 months. In this time I did very little painting, or much of anything really.
Now that I’m back at work and somewhat stable, I’m going to try to get back into the habit of regularly posting again.
I bought a big canvas a short while ago, and initially I’d planned to do a big picture of Isaac Clarke, the titular character from the horror video game series Dead Space. I love the intricate yet functional design of his Space suit, but several hours in i was not in love with the painting I had.
Going back through my computer, I discovered some photos from a life model I used to know, who shall remain unnamed. I didn’t want o just copy the photo, and it was a big canvas, so I decided to do 4, in bright colours, in a similarish sort of feel to those famous Marilyn Monroe pictures by Andy Warhol(?)
It was very simple to create it. I marked the boxes in masking tape first, and it mostly came out well. The hardest part was picking the colours for each one, and if I did these again I would change some of the colours for sure, but on the whole I like it.
I wasn’t after a masterpiece or anything incredible with this one. It was a lot more about getting back into the groove of doing the painting, after spending so long mentally stagnating. Will try to get back into more regular action now I’m more ok.
LIGHTNING ROUND
In short, I did 3 paintings today because I had nothing else I wanted to do. I wanted to try something slightly different for each of them.
First picture is actually copied from a picture I had on my phone of someone else’s painting. I just really liked the massive moon and wanted to do one similar to it.
Second painting was of a long exposure photograph of fireflies taken in Japan. This one was definitely the most challenging of the three and I’m the least pleased with how it came out. But I’m told art is a journey and even the missteps are important lessons learned, so I’m throwing it up here regardless.
Third is a twist on something more familiar to me. A pathway in a forest, with a silhouette at the end, with the leaves sponged on. Except I decided to try to use wrong colours only. The other title for this one is probably “Ghost Forest” or similar. “Negative Image”. I dunno. I kind of liked the idea though, so it gets to be here.
I couldn’t think of a thought/ quote for this one, so I’ve gone for one by one of my favourite authors.
“Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds that the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it.”
Terry Pratchett
Christmas, etc
I got written off work early December. I had a depressive episode in the office, that manifested when someone asked if I were okay. I’m sure a lot of people can relate. I hate not being at work. There’s no distractions, nothing to keep your mind off of…well, your mind. So I’ve sat in my flat over December feeling worse when I should be feeling better.
What it did do is allow me to see my family, which was nice. I don’t see them often enough, I think. I did struggle with seeing them. I felt like I’ve noticed this year how much older and slower some of them have gotten. I realise how afraid of seeing them die I am. It’s not a nice feeling. But it was good to see them.
I got a small sketchbook from an old friend, with a touching message inside it. I’ve done a couple of paintings in it, after spending time browsing other peoples stuff online for inspiration. I like the small pages and the fact I can do a picture in, like, 20 minutes.
“Nobody realises that some people expend tremendous effort merely to appear normal.”
Albert Camus.
Big Red Moon
I had a very bad day recently. So bad that work sent me home, my meds got changed and I’ve not been back in since. Everything feels bad at the moment, and when I feel bad I paint. I’ll attach the image obviously, but this is another painting that I don’t really like.
I can’t like this picture. Partly because my head is somewhere very bad right now. I wasn’t able to get a decent photo of it, and I hate that I keep picking vibrant colours and not noticing how unreal it looks until after. I don’t know why I keep doing silhouettes at the moment, or why this one just refuses to photograph as well as the earlier ones.
Politics from a Prison Officers point of view, compared to others.
Yesterday the UK voted in a general election. Not wanting to not vote, I went straight after work, in uniform.
In the line at the polling booth, the man in front saw my uniform, before saying, “Guess you’ll be voting Tory.”
Perplexed, I asked why he thought this. He told me that Boris Johnson was building 40,000 more prison cells, and extending the time served for those sentenced.
I thought this sounded terrible. The service doesn’t have enough staff now, let alone staff to support such an expansion. There’s no point telling me we’ll hire the staff for the spaces, because we can’t even hire enough staff now. I’m the only survivor of an induction class of 19. That’s like a 90% attrition rate for staff retention, if my class is typical of all. Longer sentences likely won’t produce better people upon release either, because the system is on its knees anyway.
He didn’t really comprehend the concept of prisons requiring staff to function. No different to the NHS or police really.
Tories won again though, so I expect nothing to change soon. Moan over, I promise not to mention politics again until next election.
Small Morning Painting
Did 2 quick paintings on tiny canvases this morning. One is a sunrise/ sunset someone sent me, with the other being a man in rain I remember seeing somewhere years ago.
Don’t really know why the 2 subjects were so different, however my breakfast today was 2 cans of Monster, which probably isn’t conducive to a normal morning anyway.
On a side note I do these posts from my phone and have no idea how to make the blog more colourful/ change font or typeface. Any tips or advice would be greatly appreciated.
Art and Sadness 